Resident Evil Code: Veronica Spoof
by Ninjazz
Summary: As requested from IZINA015, I've started working on a new spoof. I don't know if it'll be as enjoyable as the RE2 spoof, but I've had fun with the start :) Please enjoy this spoofing of RE:CVX, and note that I do not own any of the Resident Evil characters.
1. Captured

"The American mid-western town, Raccoon City, has been completely decimated due to the T-Virus that has-"  
"Shh!" said Claire.

"...What?"  
"You're talking really loud, and they'll hear you and find ME!" she said.  
"What are you talking about? I'm narrating the start of the-"  
"I don't care what you're narrating...I'm infiltrating this place, and if they find me I'm scr-"  
"SHE'S OVER THERE!" yelled a guard.  
Claire sighed. "Thanks buddy," she said. She ran down the hallway, and was followed by guards. A few months ago, she'd been riding her motorcycle towards Chris' town, going to claim a late check from him, and life had been so simple then. However, when she'd reached the town, her brother was missing, and instead she'd found endless amounts of zombies.

Now, she was in Paris, and until this point her hardest task had been ordering a cheeseburger at some French 'boutique', which she'd believed meant 'diner'. She'd been wrong.

"Hey! Stop running!" called one of the guards.  
Claire looked back while she ran. "Yeah, sure, I'll get right on that!" she said.

"Really? Sweet, that'll make my life so much easier..."  
"I'm joking you idiot!" said Claire, running even faster.  
The guard huffed. "Get her, guys! She's a trespasser, AND A LIAR!" he yelled. The other guards started running faster, matching with Claire's speed.

She had nowhere to run. In her attempt to run faster, she'd run right past another hallway, but would get caught if she turned around. Now, she was heading straight for a window, and doubted she'd survive jumping out.

Survival seemed even less possible when a helicopter flew up outside the window, aiming its turret-gun at her. She gasped and turned around, not worrying about the guards anymore. "Move!" she said, knocking one down.  
The others hadn't expected it, and didn't think of grabbing her. She jumped down the other hall and the guards got shredded by the turret's bullets.  
"Well that did it," said Claire as she got back up. She heard more guards coming and rolled her eyes, breaking into yet another run. At the end of the hall, there was a door. "FUCK IT!" she said, running right to it. She slammed her side against it to open it, jumped over a set of stairs, and rolled to recover. "Wow, I'm the best..." she said.  
"Not really," said a man's voice.

Claire looked up to see about thirty guards, all aiming machine guns at her. _Shit,_ she thought.

"Get up, and put your hands in the air," said one of the guards.

"In that exact order?" asked Claire.

"...Wait, what? What do you mean?" asked the guard.

Claire grinned. "Well, can I put my hands up then stand? Or do I have to stand then put my hands up?" she asked.  
The guard scratched his head. "I guess you can do whichever, doesn't really matter," he said.

Claire started bringing up her gun and the guard quickly brought his first. "WAIT NO! On second thoughts, stand up slowly, THEN put your hands up!" he said.

As ordered, Claire stood and raised her hands.  
"Now drop the gun!"  
Claire paused for a moment, noticing an explosive barrel behind the guards. _I hope this works,_ she thought. She let her gun go, and the guards slowly started lowering their guns, then...  
Claire pointed behind them. "LOOK A FLOATING TOOTHBRUSH!" she yelled.

The guards all turned to look, and she ran for the door behind her. She bumped right into someone's chest and fell back down, and another guard aimed a gun at her head. She'd picked up her own gun and aimed it back at him, but when she took the shot it was empty. "Shit..." she said.

"Shit indeed, lady," said the guard.  
"I wasn't actually going to shoot, though," she said.  
"Mhm...That must be why you pulled the trigger, right?"

"Exactly."  
"Got it. You're under arrest," said the guard.  
"No! I have to find my brother, how the hell am I supposed to do that in jail!?" asked Claire.  
The guard kept his gun on her as another guard came to bind her hands. "I don't know...Maybe send him an e-mail or something?" he suggested. "He could come find you?"

Claire submitted to the cuffs, unable to think of a good way out. "How?" she asked.  
"Doesn't your phone have internet access?" asked the guard.  
"No...My phone doesn't even have a camera, my brother's cheap with Christmas gifts," said Claire.

The guard laughed. "Wow...That's shit," he said.

Before she could respond, a guard threw a sack over her head, and she was escorted to somewhere unknown.


	2. Friends

It seemed like days had passed since Claire had been captured, but only because she couldn't see a thing. The sack on her head had made the trip highly nauseating, and after being thrown back and forth she could no longer tell if she was in a truck, a boat, a plane, or even if she was walking.  
"Alright, take it off," said a guard.  
"Yeah, just yank it right off!" said another.

Claire shifted uncomfortably on her seat. "Um, guys? This isn't really-"  
A guard pulled the sack off her head, and she shook the bangs out of her face. "What?" he asked.  
Claire looked at him. "Oh, you meant the sack! I thought...forget it," she said.

There was a guard in front of her, holding a clipboard. "Your prisoner number is WKD4496," he said as he read the paper, not bothering to look up.  
"Um...how is that a number if it has letters?" asked Claire.

"It's an identification number."  
"Yeah, I'm aware of that, but it has letters...It just sounds stupid to call it a number," she said.

The guard looked up behind her and nodded. "Whatever. Welcome to your new home," he said.  
"New home?" asked Claire. She turned to see what he'd nodded at just in time to see the butt-end of a guard's rifle heading for her face. She brought her hand up to her eye. "OOOOWWWW! WHAT THE HELL!?" she yelled.  
The guard blinked. "Oh god, I'm so sorry! That was supposed to knock you out!" he said.  
"WELL IT FUCKING DIDN'T! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?" yelled Claire, holding her eye.  
"Let me try again," he said, and tried again. He hit the other eye, and Claire yelled again. He kept swinging the gun down, hitting various parts of her face, and finally gave up. "Are you feeling the slightest tired?" he asked.  
"No...But I am feeling SOME EXTREME PAIN YOU DICK!" yelled Claire.

He put his rifle down. "Alright, screw it, I'll just use the chloroform," he said. He grabbed a rag and a bottle, dipped the rag, and looked at Claire.

"Wait...why didn't you-"  
The guard stuck the rag on Claire's face and pushed her against a wall so she couldn't back away from it. He held it there until her eyes began closing and her legs gave out.

Claire dropped to the floor, her eye-lids feeling heavier than ever. "...just...do that from...staaarrrt..." and she was out.

* * *

She woke up standing in a field, staring at the mountains in the distance. She wasn't sure why she was there, but it was the most beautiful place she'd ever seen. There was a thin layer of snow on the ground, but even in her jeans and sleeveless vest she wasn't the slightest bit cold.  
"Hey, stranger," said a voice behind her.  
She turned around and saw her brother, Chris, walking up to her. "Hey yourself!" she said. "Why did we come all the way here for a picnic?" she asked.

Chris shook his head. "About that, I can't stay for lunch," he said.  
"What? Why not?" asked Claire.  
"I have stuff to do. You come second from my work, Claire," said Chris.

Claire frowned. "Well can you come find me after work?" she asked.  
"No, I can't find you. You move around too much, and if you don't know where you are, how the hell should I know?" asked Chris. He turned and walked away.  
Claire watched him go, and as he got father away she saw the snow melting. The view got foggy and made the mountains impossible to see, and soon she was standing in an empty field, on dead grass, surrounded by fog.  
"Chris?" she called out.  
The ground shook for a moment, knocking her down. Her face hit the ground, and she shook her head. When she opened her eyes, she was staring at cement, it was cold, and there was a strange stinging pain on the back-side of her left shoulder.

The ground shook again, and she got up on her knees instantly. She looked around, confused, at the cement floor and walls, and the iron bars.  
_Oh, it was a dream...damnit,_ she thought. She looked up at the light, glad there was one bulb working, and it popped right after.  
"God damnit!" she said. She stood up and walked over to the bars, pulling on them in hopes that they were broken or loose. No such luck.

She leaned her head on the bars, thinking back to her dream. She never believed in dreams having meanings, but she suddenly worried about what dream-Chris had said. How would he find her if she didn't even know where she was anymore? And what if he found her but she moved again? And why was the ground shaking so much?  
"Are you awake?" asked a man's voice.  
Claire backed away from the bars quickly, her back pressed against the cold cement wall. "Who's there!?" she asked.  
A man's figure appeared in the doorway of the room. It was very dark, and she couldn't tell if he looked friendly or not. _Dude, you're in a prison somewhere, and he's not in a cell...how friendly could he be?_ She thought.  
The man walked over to the cell's door and stood there. "Come here," he said.  
"No way," said Claire.

"Come here, damnit! I'm going to let you out!" said the guard.  
"Yeah, I believe that."  
The guard sighed. "You can trust me, okay?" he said.  
"Right, well now that you said that, I feel like actually can trust a complete stranger in the dark, so long as they say please," said Claire.  
"I'm not a complete stranger! I'm Rodrigo, the one who arrested you," said Rodrigo.  
"And that makes us friends?" asked Claire.

"We spent the whole trip here talking...You mentioned your brother, and I mentioned my kids?" he said.  
"Doesn't ring a bell."  
"We made friendship bracelets! Yours' was kind of shitty, but I didn't say anything since you couldn't see with that sack on your head...But I'm still wearing mine!" said Rodrigo.

Claire looked down and noticed she had a bracelet on. It was made of beads, and something was written on it. It was too dark to see what it was. "...I don't remember any of this," she said.

Rodrigo sighed. "We said we'd tattoo each others' names to make our friendship official! I'm black, so I don't think it would show much, but I did yours' while you were out," he said.

Claire put her hand to the stinging pain at her shoulder, and felt a small bandage. She reached to her pocket and got her brother's lighter, lit it, and put it close enough to see. When she pulled the bandage back, she saw a tattoo of two guns with 'C+R=BFF' written underneath. "Dude...WHAT!?" she yelled.  
"Hey, it was your idea!" said Rodrigo.

"CHRIS IS GOING TO KILL ME!" she yelled. She sighed and threw the bandage on the ground. She walked over to the bars and held the lighter up. "Well, are you gonna let me out or not!?" she asked.

"...Are you mad at me?" asked Rodrigo.

"No shit! YOU TATTOOED ME IN MY SLEEP!" she yelled.  
Rodrigo sighed and unlocked the cell, then ran over to his desk and sat on the chair. "Well don't be mean! I'm hurting..." he said.

Claire sighed. "Why? What happened?" she asked, stepping out of the cell with the lighter held up.

Rodrigo reached for a bottle of medicine, but finding it empty he threw the container on the floor and sighed again. "Zombies...Someone attacked the island and now there are zombies everywhere. You can leave if you want, but I figured you'd rather hang out here with me where it's safer," he said.  
Claire looked down at him and laughed. "Yeah right, dude...Seeya!" she said. She headed for the door, grabbing a knife on her way out, and looked back at him. "If I find some stuff for that bleeding, I'll think about coming back...Maybe," she said, and left.

Rodrigo sat in the dark once again, loneliness taking over.


End file.
